I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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