no, he came in my armpit
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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