Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
