I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
