nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
