Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
