She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
