I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
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She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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