I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
