My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
