he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
