So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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