The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
