if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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