I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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