A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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