Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
