I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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