Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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