I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
