you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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