fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
