i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
