I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
