apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
