Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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