hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
