The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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