Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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