please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
