My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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