Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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