if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
