help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
