I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
God, I missed his penis.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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