I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
