someone threw a dead crab at me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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