Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
