apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
