i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
