i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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