you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
