ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
