Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
