in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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