I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sorry about my life...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
