Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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