I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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