Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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