My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
