I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
