It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I am puke
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you had me at cake vodka
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
