Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
