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Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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