Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
