apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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