smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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