21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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