I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
