3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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