Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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