My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
