please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
