I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
